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Sunday, April 19th, 2015

Chess Humor

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why?” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

A chess master died – after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him!
“What’s it like, where you are now,” he asked.
“What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, it’s really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, Fischer, they’re all here, and you can play them.”
“Fantastic!” the friend said, “and what is the bad news?”
“You have Black against Fischer on Saturday.”

In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They are astonished and say:
“What a clever dog!”
But the man protests:
“No, no, he isn’t that clever. I’m leading by three games to one, and he always plays the Colle and the Four Paws Attack!”

Queen Elizabeth II sees why she likes the game of chess – “the king is stationary, the queen has all the power”.

“So I was having dinner with world chess champion Magnus Carlsen – Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt!”

Two friends see themselves by the street and one of them says:
- My wife says that if tomorrow I go to the chess match, it will take my children and it will leave me.
The other friend asks to him:
- And what you will do?
And the other answers to him:
- Pawn to King Four, as always!

Do you prefer sex or chess?
Depends on the position.

How do you make a small fortune in chess? Start out with a large one!

The opening 1.Na3 is known as the sodium assault.

I was playing chess with a friend of mine the other day, and he says, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.

Why are chess champions such good matchmakers?
Because they always find mates for their opponents!

Where do you buy chess pieces
…at the PAWN SHOP

A player in Oakland was arrested for playing chess in the middle of the road yesterday, He asked the police officer; ‘is it cos I’m Black?’

How many squares are there on a chess board?
Two plus the kibitzers.

Q:Why should you never buy a house from a chess player? A:Because they take ages to move.

What is the difference between a large cheese pizza and a chess Grandmaster?
The pizza can feed a family of four.

Two chess players are playing a correspondence game. White lives at the South Pole. Black lives in Alaska. The postal service is rather slow and play proceeds at the rate of one move per year. After 15 years of play, white makes a daring queen sacrifice, the consequences of which are by no means clear. A year later, as he sees the postman returning, he is very excited. He thinks “Will black take my queen ?”, “Is the sacrifice sound ?”. He tears open the reply and sees “J’adoube”.

Recently, there was a chess player in the US championship who forfeited his game for writing notes to himself while playing chess. So?

Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Nine.
One to complain about the lighting levels,
one to say he thinks the lighting is OK,
one to suggest someone calls the arbiter,
one to go and call the arbiter,
one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1960 US chess championship,
one to complain about the disturbance the others are causing,
both arbiters, and
one to say he thought the lighting was better before they changed the lightbulb.

A passed pawn comes home from work one day with a new car. When his wife asks if they can afford it, he replies, “Relax, I’m about to be promoted.”

What’s the difference between a chess player and a highway construction worker? A chess player moves every now and then.

Why doesn’t Garry Kasparov play golf? He doesn’t like Putin.

What makes a tired chess player happy?
Taking a Knight off..

For Americans, soccer is like chess, but without dice.

I asked a kid what his rating was and he said “PG-13.”

J’’adoube = French, for what am I doing ? If I touch this piece, I’m lost !

The price of chess sets has gone up across-the-board.

Chess is a game in which people sit for hours, staring ahead, not moving a muscle. Sort of like civil service in Washington DC.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Chess.
Chess who?
Chess open the door and let me in.

DNA tests in Iceland on exhumed chess icon Bobby Fischer conclude that he was not the father of a 9 year-old girl. However, the tests did confirm that he was a “despicable douche.”

Chuck Norris once beat Bobby Fischer in chess in a single move. The move was a roundhouse kick, which caused Fischer to later go crazy.

Two chess beginners:
“I improved my English, Spanish, French, Russian and Italian.”
“Then you must be a genius!”
“Why?”
“You can speak so many languages…”
“I am talking about chess openings.”

Did you know that you can play chess with pens and pencils? But it always ends in a draw.

A baker was a keen, but poor, chess player. Unfortunately he also had the habit of selling old loaves as freshly baked. Having yet again left his opponent with no moves the tournament director confirmed, “Like your bread it’s stale, mate!”

Old chess players never die, they simply go to pieces and lose their mates.

15% of chess players are on treatment for mental health issues. That’s a scary fact for arbiters to deal with as it means that the other 85% remain untreated.

Why don’t they play Internet chess in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

–Bill Wall (no joke)

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