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Thursday, May 24th, 2012

How to Annoy Your Chess Opponent

As you know, chess players can’t stand losing a game of chess. Therefore, it is quite necessary to know how to win easily without just mastering the difficult task of playing good chess. The art of annoying your opponent is a must for those who do not have the time nor the patience of playing master chess. And that’s most of us.

The easiest and most common form of annoying your opponent is talking (or loud whisper). There are several methods that can be adopted to disturb your opponent so as to distract him from making a good move. One method is to talk directly to your opponent, pointing out his bad moves and letting him know his position is hopeless. By the time he complains to the tournament director, his position will be hopeless. And, of course, you deny ever talking to him. Tell the tournament director it was him doing all the talking.

If your opponent is about to make a good move despite your efforts to talk to him directly, and then yell out “touch move” or “J’adoube” just before he moves his piece. Of course he will deny ever touching anything. An argument will result, upsetting your opponent so much that he will have forgotten his original plan or think the almost touched piece was a losing move and make a weaker move instead.

Another effective method is to talk to spectators about your opponent and perhaps start ugly rumors about him (“He has AIDS. He voted for Obama. He loves George Bush”). People will soon be staring at your opponent, will start to snicker and point at him. This will make your opponent very uncomfortable and will take his mind off of chess. If that doesn’t work, discuss your opponent’s playing ability or talk about his hygiene habits or how he dresses funny. This will draw your opponent into the discussion with an argument and he will have forgotten all about his game.

Another common method is to talk to yourself. Talking to God (or Allah) or praying out loud are other variations. Mumbling and even laughing at your opponent’s moves and getting friends to laugh, also, will surely distract him from making strong moves.
Other methods of disturbances are to cough, sneeze, and blow your nose loudly during the game. Spread lots of germs and let your opponent know that you may have some awful disease. If he thinks your disease is contagious, he will leave the board often, unable to concentrate on the game. Have lots of used tissue paper from blowing your nose on your side of the board.
If your opponent is slow in moving, drum and tap your fingers on the table. Act very impatient. You should heave a sigh, then yawn; look at the chess clock or your watch often; and finally, groan. Your opponent will be induced to make hasty moves so as not to appear a slowpoke.

When you exchange pieces, always put one of your opponent’s pawn or piece on your lap or hidden in your other hand. If your opponent likes to compare the pieces that have been exchanged, he will think he is winning and ease up a bit. If you are a piece up, roll the extra piece in your hands or toss it up in the air a few times. Let your opponent know he is an exchange down and there is no hope for him. Find an extra queen from another board and have it nearby, indicating you may soon queen a pawn.

For the musically inclined, humming is a favorite nuisance. Aggressive players can go into a full song accompanied by the gestures of a conductor. Bringing a radio or iPod or iPad or Kindle along and occasionally turning it on during critical times of the game works. If your opponent is a sports fan, tune in to some important sports event. With the iPod or iPad or Kindle, your opponent may think you are getting moves from a computer.

When smoking is allowed (perhaps some pub or at home), it is best to get the foulest, blackest cigars or pipes. A lot of smoke towards your opponent not only obscures the position of the board, but causes your opponent to choke and become blind from the smoke in his eyes.

A method popular among grandmasters for annoying an opponent is to stare directly and deliberately at your opponent. Let your opponent know he is being watched and stared at. Of course, if your opponent starts staring back at you during your move, carry a pair of sunglasses with you and slip them on. The mirror reflection type is best just in case your opponent or his guru is trying to hypnotize you.

When you think you have a good position, rock your chair back and forth, smile victoriously, and let everyone know you have a won position. Your opponent will lose that much more quickly even if he doesn’t see any threat.

With the help of a friend, you can plan on taking pictures of the game. Make sure a bright flash can be produced. Just before your opponent reaches to make a move, your friend flashes the camera and blinds your opponent temporarily. He then touches the wrong piece which he must move as there are not only witnesses but a picture of it with a second snapshot.

If you are so lucky, have a big-breasted gorgeous blonde sit by you or on your lap. He won’t be concentrating on mating with his chess pieces for long. It helps if she has lots of perfume, wears tight clothes, wears a t-shirt that says “Are you staring at my chess pieces?” and leans over the board a lot.

Play crazy moves like 1.Nf3 then 2.Ng1, then 3.Nc3, then 4.Nb1 and see if that annoys your opponent. They may not be good moves, but your opponent may be so annoyed by your mad moves that he resigns in disgust for having to play such a weak player.

Set your digital clock to light up and beep after every move. Or set it to delay your clock by 5 or 10 seconds, but not your opponent’s. He may not notice, and if he does, just say, “I forgot.”

Pretend you fell asleep and start to snore. That should annoy everyone around.

Have a friend near your opponent and have your friend’s cell phone go off. Then blame your opponent that his cell phone went off and try to claim a win.

Sit down with alcohol on your breath and pretend you are drunk. Make shaky moves every time you move and set it half way between the squares on the line. That should annoy him as you try to adjust your chess piece every time you make a move.

Make sarcastic remarks at the beginning of the game like, “Good luck. You are going to need it.” Or, “I thought you were better than what your rating says.” Accuse him of being a sand bagger.

Open up the bag where you have all your chess pieces and pretend there is a small creature in it. Peer inside the bag and ask “Got enough room in there.”

Play like you are playing blindfold chess. Turn the chair the other way around and face away from your opponent until it is your move. That should drive him crazy, especially if you can announce the correct move without looking at the board. You can also play like you are giving a simultaneous exhibition. Don’t sit down at all and stand throughout the whole game and make a move as soon as he makes a move. He will thing he is playing a strong master and resign soon.

Tell your opponent that you have just been hired by Magnus Carlsen or Hikaru Nakamura to coach him and relate some stories about you and Carlsen and Nakamura meeting and playing chess together, mostly blindfolded.

There is just one more kind of annoyance worth mentioning. Of all the annoyances to an opponent you can make, this is the most devastating of all. Although it is very infrequent in occurrence and almost entirely accidental, it is the most annoying and upsetting disturbance known to chess. It is called making a strong move!

Note: This is supposed to be humor. Don’t really do any of these things except for the last item.

And in case you are interested, the world chess championship between Anand and Gelfand had another draw today in 25 moves for game 10. Two more games to go in regulation time. The world championship must hold the record for fewest moves and shortest overall games (24, 25, 37, 34, 27, 29, 38, 17, 49, 25 moves). That annoys me. Computer analysis for the first 20 moves, 5 or 6 more moves and a draw agreed.

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